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College Football Television Guide: For the Casual Fan

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We break down today's college football television schedule so you don't have to!

Matt Kartozian-USA TODAY Sports

Below is the college football opening day television schedule for those of us who aren't diehard fans:

6:00 PM ET, ESPN
North Carolina vs. South Carolina

South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier, is known for
spitting hot fire and quoting Attila the Hun at press conferences. He faces North Carolina, which distributes degrees to collegiate athletes for choosing their favorite candy bars. Also, the UNC coach also has rock hard abs.

6:00 PM ET, CBSSN
Florida International @ Central Florida

This game features a team that was always listed with Arizona on ESPN’s ‘Bottom Ten’ list during the Mackovic era and Knitro, the most awesome mascot in college football.

7:00 PM ET, ESPNU

Oklahoma State @ Central Michigan

Oklahoma State is usually one of the top 25 teams in college football. It is possible they are not ranked this year because their mascot scared half the team to death in their sleep. Normally one out of the 15 directional Michigan schools is good. I don’t know if that team is Central Michigan this year. Chris Kaman.

7:00 PM ET, ESPN3

Elon @ Wake Forest
Most people don’t know this but Elon Musk founded Elon College in 2006. Elon has quickly been recognized as one of the most forward thinking colleges in the Pacific Northwest, particularly in the fields of neuroscience, fiber optics, and none of this is true, I’ve never heard of Elon and Wake Forest is the worst FBS college football program in the country.

7:00 PM ET, ESPN3

Virginia Military Institute @ Ball State

The next time your ranked Pac-12 team plays on the Pac-12 Network at 12:30 AM ET you send Larry Scott a screen shot of VMI vs. Ball State and a picture of horse manure.

7:00 PM ET, ESPN3

Stony Brook @ Toledo

The Toledo mascot is a rocket. They also have a castle tower attached to their stadium that holds a cannon which is fired anytime they score a touchdown. The entire Toledo college football ensemble was designed by Timmy Johnson, a six year-old kindergarten student with the best imagination ever.

7:30 PM ET, ESPN3

Alcorn State @ Georgia Tech

Georgia Tech runs the triple option offense. Alcorn State sounds like a school that takes a lot of pride in its marching band.

7:30 PM ET, ESPN3

Villanova @ UCONN
Can Kevin Ollie’s Huskies bounce back from a season that ended outside the big dance? Does Jay Wright buy his suits from the extras in the hit musical Guys and Dolls? Find out tonight.

8:00 PM ET, SECN

Western Kentucky @ Vanderbilt

I would like to imagine that Vanderbilt fans are everything that Alabama fans are not.

8:30 PM ET, Fox Sports 1

Michigan @ Utah

We broke this game down on the Wildcat Radio podcast so for real analysis check that out here. Otherwise just know that Fox Sports is deploying a khaki cam that will follow Jim Harbaugh around the entire game. Also, Jim Harbaugh is a weirdo.

9:00 PM ET, ESPN

TCU @ Minnesota

This could be a really good game that is worth watching.

9:00 PM ET, ESPN3

Ohio @ Idaho

The University of Idaho is located in Moscow, Idaho. It gets so cold that the team plays indoors. About 10 years ago Arizona beat Idaho 70-0, leading the entire fan base to think that the Wildcats were really good. Arizona finished the season 7-5.

9:30 PM ET, CBSSN

Duke @ Tulane

The coach at Duke is awesome. Like, very, very good. This team almost beat a drunk Johnny Manzel and Texas A&M a few years ago.

10:00 PM ET, Pac-12 Network (so, essentially, nowhere)

UT-San Antonio @ Arizona

The best team in the world plays at this time. Here's a preview.

DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, WATCH ANY OF THE REMAINING COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAMES THAT KICK OFF AFTER 10 PM, EASTERN TIME. JUST KNOW THAT SAN JOSE STATE NOW HAS AN ACCENT ABOVE THE ‘S’ IN JOSE, MAKING THEM YOUR OBNOXIOUS FRIEND THAT PRONOUNCES WORDS LIKE ‘TAQUITOS’ AND ‘GUACAMOLE’ AS IF THEY ARE HISPANIC AND LIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF MEXICO CITY.

Sweet Dreams.

Bryant Conger is the co-host of Wildcat Radio, a podcast that covers Pac-12 Football and Basketball with a focus on the Arizona Wildcats. He is afraid of the color yellow and never liked Richard Nixon. You fan find this fine gentleman at @WildcatRadioAZ.